It usually goes something like this: You match with someone on a dating app and after chatting back-and-forth, you give out your number. Once you’ve made it to the texting stage, you start getting excited because you think it’s only a matter of time before you meet up. Then, a few weeks go by. You start to feel frustrated because even though you’re still talking, there isn’t a plan to see each other. What gives? Why People Only Text on Dating Apps?
Many app users today are left wondering why people only text on dating apps. Why is this person talking to me if they don’t want to see me?
Or perhaps your issue is slightly different. Another common question my clients ask me: “Is there a reason why matches don’t respond?” In this case, the problem isn’t making connections, it’s getting to the communication stage.
There are a few explanations as to why people only text on dating apps and why matches don’t respond. Here are the top five reasons and what to do about it:
1. Looking for an ego boost
This directly ties into to the social media culture we live in. The sad truth is there are many people out there who simply enjoy the validation that comes from having online admirers.
There are some people who feel validation simply from getting matches – hence, the people who don’t respond. Then there are the validation seekers who feel an ego boost from making an emotional connection. The danger with the validation seekers is that they will put on the charm to impress you. They thrive on attention so the better you’re connecting, the more worthy they feel. This is one reason why people only text on dating apps, and won’t make the effort to meet in person.
Why People Only Text on Dating Apps
2. Insecure about meeting new people
First dates can nerve-wracking, but even more so when you didn’t have a face-to-face introduction. Many people have insecurities such as height, weight or age, so they make up excuses and play it safe, staying in the comfort of their home. The fear of rejection prevents them from taking risks and putting themselves out there.
3. The flirting is fun and a way to pass the time
Online dating today has turned into the equivalent of reading the newspaper with your morning coffee. It’s simply something to do to kill time. Some people will swipe when they’re bored watching TV or on their commute to work. It’s a form of entertainment and not taken too seriously – which, needless to say, is unfortunate for the people out there looking for a real connection.
These people are the ones who tend to swipe and match with you, but won’t text. This explains why many matches won’t initiate a conversation. They never intended to meet in the first place.
4. Already in a relationship
This reason goes hand-in-hand with number one. If your match won’t take the next step to plan a date they could be with someone else, looking to feel desirable and boost their ego. In many cases, cheating goes beyond the physical. If someone isn’t getting their emotional needs met in their relationship, they may seek it elsewhere.
Some people in a relationship may feel desirable simply by matching with others. So, if you’re wondering why your matches don’t respond, they may already be taken.
5. You’re coming on too strong
Now that we’ve covered potential issues with your matches, it’s time to turn the tables and do some self-reflecting.
The biggest turn off in dating is desperation. If you are putting out needy, desperate energy you’ll push people away. For example, let’s say you’ve been texting and a few hours pass when you don’t hear from them. You go into panic mode and your mind starts racing: Oh no, why aren’t they responding? Did they lose interest? Getting swept up in this negative thinking spiral, you send out another text. Another few hours pass and now you’re really getting worked up. How rude! Why are they ignoring me?
Whoa there! Let’s rein it in. First of all, you don’t even really know this person. Being this emotionally reactive to a stranger is a complete waste of energy. The reason why they aren’t texting back probably has nothing to do with you (at least that was before you inundated them with messages).
When it comes to online dating, having a thick skin is essential. It’s inevitable people will drop the ball with communication and ghost you from time to time. That’s why it’s important not to take it personally. Understand it’s simply part of the process.
How to Increase Your Chances of Finding a Genuine Connection
If you’re looking for a lasting healthy relationship you need to rewire the way you look for love – and not just online, but in real life as well. The biggest mistake I see my clients make is thinking there are specific times when it’s ideal to meet someone. When it comes to dating, there isn’t a peak season or a perfect time to dive in. It’s about being open to opportunities, which brings me to my first point.
1. Have the right headspace going in
Are you ready for a relationship? Some people think they are, but in reality, they’re not. The first and most important step is making sure your head is in the game. You can create the best profile in the world, but it won’t matter if you’re feeling frustrated and disillusioned about dating.
Of course, it can be discouraging if you’ve been single for a long time and haven’t found what you’re looking for. But when you’re disheartened for too long, that can turn into an attitude, which will create a negative ripple effect in your dating life. Since you’re feeling down, you won’t be able to tell the difference between what’s worthwhile and what isn’t.
Your mindset is everything, so if you’re not ready, don’t force it. When you start to feel stronger emotionally, then give dating a try. Only then will you start to see positive results.
2. Make sure your profile reflects who you are and what you want
For example, if you want to find a partner who is serious about making a commitment, it doesn’t make sense to post bathing suit pictures. When your pictures are too seductive, it sends the wrong message. Remember, you only have a few seconds to make an impression so make sure your photos showcase your personality.
Like attracts like. It sounds simple but if you want to find someone smart, interesting and fun, make sure that is also the vibe you are giving off. Like to hike? Travel? Include pictures of you outdoors or on vacation.
In your description, write like you talk. This isn’t a college paper so be conversational in your tone and you’ll come across as more relatable and authentic.
3. Incorporate online dating into your daily habits
Burnout can happen quickly when you’re online dating, so it’s important to be mindful and pace yourself.
For instance, if you check emails in the morning when you wake up, add 15 extra minutes to look for and respond to matches. Then, let it go until you go to sleep. After browsing through social media, add another 20 minutes for online dating.
To take it one step further, you can give yourself a goal. Perhaps it’s message three new people each day. Whatever your goal may be, make sure it’s easy and manageable. Small steps like this can add up to major results!
4. Create a lifestyle that’s conducive to meeting people
From the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep, there are many different ways to interact with others. You simply have to be willing to open up and see the possibilities. It only requires making a few changes to your daily routine.
5. Be vulnerable
Here’s a fun exercise: Unplug for a day. Take out your headphones and keep your phone in your pocket. Practice making eye contact with strangers as you walk from place to place. Then, when you feel a bit braver, smile. You’d be surprised at how many people smile back (and don’t worry if they don’t – it’s nobody you would want to associate with anyway). If there seems to be a connection after the smile, you can say hi and take it from there. One of my clients met someone on the street this way and had an instant coffee date that same morning! It’s amazing how small shifts can make the biggest difference.
Are you letting yourself be truly seen by others? Many people fail to take initiative because they are afraid of being judged and fear they won’t be good enough. The second you start making excuses for why you shouldn’t do something is the second you start sabotaging yourself. Vulnerability is the foundation of confidence, so if you want to be confident you have to take chances and let people see who you really are.
I’m not suggesting to share your life story with strangers on Tinder, but what I am saying is to be open and give people permission to get to know you. When you act from a place of authenticity, you inspire others to do the same.
6. Take Positive Action to Make Your Dating Life Better
It’s not enough to want to improve your love life. Yes, having a positive attitude and being confident is important, but it’s only part of the equation. It’s the combination of confidence and competence that leads to positive results. Every day ask yourself: In what ways am I being proactive? How will I take action to bring myself closer to finding love?
Knowledge is power, and when people work with me – even if it’s just a coaching consultation – they walk away with more confidence than when they came in because they have a clearer vision of what they want and how they are going to get it.
The Bottom Line
One step, any step, will bring you closer to finding a happy, healthy relationship. But it will only happen by taking positive action.
Also, remember to stop taking things personally and ask yourself more empowering questions. Rather than wondering why people only text on dating apps and why your matches don’t respond, start thinking more in terms of: What can I do to increase my chances of finding someone? While you can’t control how others act, you can control how you respond to them.
Joann Cohen
