Have you been ghosted or ghosted on someone else?
Have you Been Zombied?
Maybe you have someone who you’ve been dating and they suddenly stop texting and calling. They don’t respond to your messages. Weeks or months later they show back up. Have you been ghosted or Zombied? How do you know?
Ghosting and zombeing. New names for trends that have gone on for a long time.
No matter what your age or sex – chances are – you’ve been ghosted.
Have you’ve been ghosted?
You’ve dated and calling and texting the other person, and without warning, poof! The other person disappears. No arguments, no communication about being gone – they just vanish.
You’re bewildered. Did you do something? Did something suddenly awful happen to them to stop them from communicating?
What feels so uncomfortable – is you don’t know. You play over and over all your conversations. Did you say something they didn’t like? Were they acting funny or seem withdrawn and you didn’t pick up on it?
You may spend a lot of time talking to your friends trying to figure it out. They’ll tell you a lot of different possible reasons – but you never know for sure.
You’ve been ghosted.
It sucks.
If you knew the reason, you have closure. Okay, he wasn’t into you. She met someone else. But without knowing – it leaves you baffled.
Online dating and dating apps make this easier.
Because you don’t know, or don’t know well, their friends, you can’t ask. You aren’t going to run into them at work, school or the gym. So you’re continually wondering.
Here are the reasons that people ghost.
- It’s easy.
There’s no discomfort, thinking, rationalizing or confrontation. Poof! Nothing to do to stop communication or seeing you. People may try to justify this by saying they’re busy; it wasn’t serious. But it boils down to you, and your feelings weren’t important.
People who do this want to avoid being uncomfortable, even if they know it’s not how they should handle things.
Have You Been Ghosted or Zombied?
- They’re cowards.
Don’t want to hurt your feelings.
As lame as this may sound, this is a common reason people say they ghost. They liked you but they lost interest, or there was something that just wouldn’t work for them. So to avoid “hurting your feelings” – they ghost.
I had a client who said that he didn’t want to tell the woman he was dating, that he wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. He said she was an intelligent woman and would know. Perhaps. But that’s not how my matchmaking works. There is communication.
After sending the text, he said it was hard. However, the woman hadn’t been that romantically attracted. She wasn’t in any “crushed”. She thanked him, and they became friends.
- They’re afraid of conflict.
Whether a clash would actually happen or they imagine it could occur. Many times I hear that people ghost as they’re concerned that the other person won’t let it go. He’ll want reasons. She’ll try to convince you to give it another try. They’ll be angry. You may not even be into him that much, but he’s afraid of a confrontation. So he’ll find it easier to disappear.
- It was a fling.
They had fun, but that’s all they want. Perhaps it was about sex. Or they love being in love but not being in a relationship. It was just fun for them. And now, they’re done.
- You were put on the back burner.
They met someone else and wanted to see how that turned out before ending it with you. Or they weren’t really into you but weren’t 100% sure. Perhaps they’re back to the phone – swiping for someone “better.”
Whatever the reason – you’re the backup plan in case they need a date, feel lonely, or the other person doesn’t work out. You’re someone they plan to get back to sometime – if things don’t work out with others.
If you were ghosted for any of these five reasons, they might show up again.
They come back as a Zombie.
What is Zombeing?
Zombieing is when they’re disappeared and after some time – you get a text. “what’s up?” “how’s everything?”
Or they suddenly start liking your Instagram photo or Facebook posts. They blocked you on Facebook and now send a Friend Request.
You got used to them being out of your life. And like a zombie, they’ve come back from the dead.
Perhaps you’re confused. And maybe hopeful.
Is he still interested? Was she too busy with work?
Have You Been Ghosted or Zombied?
After ghosting you, they now contact to see if you want to get together – again.
Texting and social media make it easy for Zombeing. They can contact you without risk. If you don’t respond well (the way they want) – they’re gone.
If you get a Zombie, what do you do?
Do you start seeing them again?
Before they ghost again or become another zombie, you need to ask yourself.
Why is someone zombeing you? If they ghosted you, why are they back?
He’s Just Not Into You
Here are the common reasons someone becomes a zombie.
- Texting you fills time.
They may just want attention. Or they’re bored, and texting is an easy way to communicate. In between dates, sitting at the airport by themselves, they send you a quick message. You’re someone to kill time with. If someone texts you, it doesn’t mean they want to be back with you.
- You’re a booty call.
It’s easy to text and sees if they can hook up again. Maybe they say they miss you and so on. And it would be easy just to swing by your place that night. You’re expecting commitment. They want something less serious.
Have You Been Ghosted or Zombied?
- You’re still the backup plan.
You were put on the backburner to see if someone else worked out. And things didn’t work out. Or they’re not sure about that other person. So they contact you to see if they can have someone – just in case they need a date.
- They want attention.
Texting and messaging can help some feel less lonely or desired.
I remember being with an attractive woman, Julie, at a bar. She bragged about all the men who wanted to be with her. Julie was cute and fun. It was easy to see why men were attracted to her. She started to show other women and me, how she would get a guy to respond.
Julie hadn’t been in touch for weeks or months and then would text different men. She text flirted Just to show how she could prove how appealing she was. But Julie wasn’t interested. So why did she do it?
She was showing how desirable she was. I can go into the reasons people do this. Trust me – someone who is comfortable with who they are – don’t do this. And for the men she contacted?
She showed some interest, and they responded. She zombied them. And she did it several times.
Why Does He Only Text?
- They screwed up.
They take responsibility without excuses. That means – talking directly to you explaining what they did and apologize. They can’t wimp out with texting. They don’t blame anyone else, work, family and so on but take responsibility for their actions.
And then you decide.
If they are sincere and admit they screwed up, MAYBE you want to give them another chance. But before you do, ask yourself –
If this is how they handle things – do you really want them back?
Relationships are hard. To make one last, you have to have good communications skills. Especially when you need to talk when things are tough or uncomfortable. When someone is ghosting, it is a quick way to avoid difficult conversations.
So when someone has ghosted you, – you’ve learned how they will be in a relationship.
We all make mistakes. So maybe they learned a lesson; are truly remorseful. Take responsibility for making a poor choice.
Make sure before let them back in – how will they make sure things are different.
What If they don’t have any good reason about why they ghosted?
They tell you they were busy at work.
They had issues with their family.
They needed to take a break from dating.
They meant to contact you but lost your number.
Their phone was stolen, and they didn’t have the numbers backed up.
If you get some similar lame excuses – don’t take them back.
Because – they’ll do it again.
Because – you deserve better.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
Have You Been Ghosted or Zombied?
One essential truth that has been proven changeless in my years of matchmaking and dating coaching. If someone wants to be with you, they will. No matter if there are work, family, or school issues. The person who wants you – will stay in contact.
Someone who wants you will find a way to be with you. Because they will do everything they can so they don’t lose you.
Perhaps they can only talk on the phone or text. But they will never ghost you.
So when you get a zombie – you want to think about how they treated you. Don’t pay attention to their words. Reflect on what their behavior was to you.
Is everyone who is ghosting and zombieing bad?
Not usually.
Usually, people who are ghosting and zombieing are just like us. Or they are us.
Maybe you ghosted someone.
You weren’t interested after a few dates. So you didn’t call back. He’d “get the hint.”
You’re ghosting when we go out with a guy a few times but don’t pick up the call or text him back.
Maybe we think the other person knows. Or they should know. We aren’t interested. So you just don’t call her again.
I’ve seen many situations where someone wasn’t interested, and the other person didn’t know.
So pledge. Not to ghost anyone.
Difficult? Yes, it can be.
But if someday you want a relationship that lasts, learn the skills to have difficult conversations. You’ll need to use them when you’re with your partner.
Because when you’re with your one, there will be times when you think he should get it. He ought to know what you want. And he won’t.
Dating is the place to start to practice communication when it’s tough. Practicing now will help you keep the relationship you want in the future. Often we focus on getting but not Keeping the relationship.
And as I tell my clients and women I work with. It’s a small town. Yes, Phoenix is the 7th largest city in the United States. But it’s almost guaranteed that someday- we will run into that person that ghosted us, or we ghosted. And imagine –
You ghosted, and that person is part of a group of friends you run into. How do you feel? Not comfortable. You may find an excuse to leave as quickly as possible.
Have You Been Ghosted or Zombied?
If they are part of that crowd, you may avoid hanging out with those friends. But imagine you said told them, you didn’t feel a romantic connection.
You run into that person and …. Nothing. Maybe you feel a little funny at first. But you don’t feel guilty. You didn’t ghost. You can talk to them and your friends without feeling lousy. There’s much more freedom because we did the right thing.
A client told me a story of how he ghosted on a woman. He made up an excuse about a sick dog. And then he never contacted her again. A year later he was at an event with his friends.
Who is at the same place?
Yes, the woman he ghosted.
She walked over to him and his friends and said: “Hi Rob, HOW’s YOUR DOG???”. He was embarrassed, and his friends wanted to know about the dog. Because he didn’t have a dog.
He learned his lesson. He told me the story about why he now never ghosts.
Summary: You’ve learned what Ghosting and Zombieing is. You know the five reasons someone ghosts you. And the reasons they return as a Zombie. And unless they are taking responsibility for their actions and sincerely apologize you don’t want to take them back. Because they will do it again and you deserve better.
You deserve a person who wants to be with you. And will do what it takes to make they don’t lose you.
