If you’re like the guy I coached on ABC News… you have The Fear Of Approaching Women.
You know she isn’t going to bite your head off, but you can’t quite understand why approaching her, makes sweat roll down your palms and your brain go into rapid-fire mode.
Approaching beautiful women makes most guys tremble.
Some guys will even avoid it for years. Living with a feeling of constant regret is easier than working up the courage to walk up to her and say Hello. From my perspective, having talked to hundreds of men over the years, it seems pretty clear why guys think this way.
Our culture puts such a pressure on men to be The Leading Man… guys are supposed to be the next Brad Pitt and walk up to any girl and make her fall in love with a few well-placed lines.
It is supposed to happen just like in the movies, right?
This type of attitude is why men have such a fear of approaching women. Will they be enough? Are they attractive enough? Will they look stupid? With these poisonous thoughts it is easy not to know.
But what if you could change your mindset and make it easy to meet women.
Here’s the switch you can make: You can’t look at approaching women as such a huge deal.
It really is just one human being going up and talking to another. This happens all the time and how amazing new friendships, and connections are formed.
You are just talking, right?
In fact, you are probably a lot more attractive and amazing than you give yourself credit for. Most guys are so worried about improving themselves or adding to themselves that they look right past their glowing strengths.
Your current strengths can completely change a woman’s life. But you must be able to go up and share them with her. In fact, you can really make her feel spectacular, if you approach her with the mindset that you are giving her your authentic self.
When I tell a guy to go talk to her already, a common excuse given is: “But I don’t want to bother her.”
If you are worried about bothering her, then you won’t be bothering her (at least not too much). If she isn’t happy with the conversation, then she can always ask you to leave or act uninterested, until you get the point.
Have faith that she can stand up for herself and give yourself and her a chance to have a special connection.
It’s also a big fat excuse. Your brain is programmed to keep you comfortable and safe, and it can’t always distinguish between a beautiful woman and a muscled guy in a dark alley with a club.
Go talk to her, because this is what attractive guys do.
They go talk to people they think are interesting. They do what they want and they don’t overanalyze every interaction to death and take no action. They also look at each of their interactions as a chance to give a gift to whoever they are talking to, whether that is a hot French model or a bearded gas station clerk.
Don’t go up to her and try to get her phone number, try to make her want you, or try to get anything from her.
Just go up to her and give to her (without being desperate, needy, or creepy). Here’s a quick plan that can’t fail:
1. You don’t need clever… be boring.
Clever is completely overrated.
Just go up and ask her the time. Ask her what the weather will be like tomorrow? Ask her where a place to get coffee is? Ask her where a restaurant is?
Then, after she answers you follow up by…
2. Noticing something special about her.
Does she have a quality that is different than other girls?
“The way you are reading that book… you look so intense. (with a big smile) You must be on a mission. What are you reading?”
3. Or notice something that she took time and effort to show the world.
Does she have something handmade on?
Did she do her hair in a really unique way?
Is there something about her that it is obvious she wants to show everyone?
Then make a genuine comment on it from your perspective.
4. Then share something about yourself.
Once she has shared and you have responded, then share something about you.
“I’m out looking for the best coffee in town. I love the stuff. Do you have any suggestions?”
“I’m out looking for a book for my sister. Do you have any suggestions?”
“This place is really unique, I love the art on the walls. What do you think of it?”
5. Ask for her number.
After a couple minutes, just ask for her number. Give her a reason why you want her number, based on your conversation so far. If the conversation went well, then she will be disappointed, if you don’t.
Here are some suggestions:
If you had talked about coffee: “Hey I know of a great place on the west side of town and am going there this weekend. Give me your number, maybe you could come along.”
If you talked about books: “Hey let me grab your number, I love to hear thoughtful opinions from other readers.”
If you talked about pasta: “I’m going shopping at this organic health food store later in the week. Give me your number and maybe we can go together and see what they have.”
You can turn any brief conversation into a reason to ask for her number.
Remember: Before you talk to any woman, your brain will give you a lot of reasons not to. Listen, then go do it anyways.
A lot of guys are terrified of rejection. This fear is much worse than actually being rejected. The absolute worst she will do is say she is busy or politely act uninterested, while hoping you get the point.
In that case, you can just say something like, “Hey great meeting you… I have to run, but maybe I’ll see you around.”
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