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How to Love You As Being Perfectly Single

Arizona Matchmaker How to Love You As Being Perfectly Single

 

As a Phoenix Dating Coach, it might seem odd for me to write about how to love you as being perfectly single. But here’s what I’ve learned in my experience as the Scottsdale Matchmaker: you can’t be happy in a relationship until you’re happy with you. I talk to many singles whose only desire is to find a relationship. While there’s nothing wrong with this, many of these singles are wasting away what could be one of the most fun, enjoyable, and fulfilling seasons of their life. Learning how to love you as being perfectly single starts by saying “yes” to this part of the journey in a few different ways…

Say “yes” to things you wouldn’t normally do.
When you’re single, you have the unique privilege of being allowed to be selfish. You aren’t accountable to a significant other. You don’t have kids to look out for. You get to do whatever you want without worrying about what your partner’s friends or family will think. You only have you to focus on. To tell you the truth, this is an amazing time of life to learn, experiment, and expand your horizons beyond your normal comfort zones. Stay out all night, go skinny-dipping in the park, decide on a whim to fly across the country for a long weekend. You may not always have the freedom to do these things; enjoy it while you can! Learning how to love you as being perfectly single frees you from responsibilities and obligations so you can freely explore and develop who you are as a person.

Say “yes” to dating out of type.
Jolt yourself out of the rut of dating only with the long-term in mind. Here’s the thing: there are plenty of amazing people out there you could get along well with, have fun with, and make awesome memories with – that you would never even consider marrying. Being happily single frees you up to date for fun. Now is the time to date the “bad boy” or the “crazy girl.” Give relationships with people you wouldn’t normally go out with a try. Doing so will teach you about the richness of life and humanity. People are diverse, and dating a diverse range of people will increase your tolerance and exposure to new ways of thinking and living. The best part about dating out of type? You’ll eventually stop categorizing people as “relationship material” or “non-relationship material.” You’ll start appreciating people for the sake of who they are rather than their potential as a spouse.

Say “yes” to traveling alone.
So many people have dreams of traveling the world. My advice? Go do it! Don’t wait until you find your “perfect man/woman” to get out and have adventures. Traveling alone, you’ll have to interact with other people and the travel community is a friendly bunch to be around. In strange places with people you’ll probably never see again, let your hair down, so to speak, and see what adventures you encounter. The greatest gift traveling alone gives anyone is a huge boost in CONFIDENCE. You will come home infused with a new sense of boldness and assurance of who you are, something that will make you unbelievably attractive. Changing the scenery and getting outside your comfort zone will give you amazing opportunities to discover how to love you as being perfectly single and explore the boundaries of your identity.

Click for my TV Interview -Being Single

Say “yes” to defining yourself as happy and single, not single and looking.
The 2010 U.S. Census found nearly half of American adults – 100 million – are single, the highest rate in recent history. 61% of those single adults have never been married, and a 2006 survey of singles by the Pew Internet and American Life Project discovered that 55% of never-married singles had zero interest in seeking a romantic partner. These are people who truly fell in love with the single way of life, who say: “Single is who I really am, it really suits me. I’m not against coupling, I choose to be single because it’s the kind of life that’s most meaningful and productive for me.”

Unfortunately, many people searching for happiness think a relationship will fill that void and make them whole. I’m here to tell you it won’t. Happiness is a state dependent on your inner decisions, not your external circumstances. Choose to relish your current status! Even if you do still dream of getting married, learning how to love you as being perfectly single will ultimately make you a better life partner later on. Besides, you might just discover how much you truly enjoy being single and not want to give it up! The best way you can explore how to love you as being perfectly single is by embracing and whole-heartedly saying “YES” to this amazing time of life.

Ladies, to meet other fabulous single women, say yes and attend the Arizona Matchmaker’s Single Divas Event.

Joann Cohen

The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area

Is Something Wrong with You? Dating Confidence

Arizona Matchmaker datng confidenceA beautiful young lady came to me, the Arizona Matchmaker,  about her dating woes. We’ll call her Mary, and she wanted to know what was wrong with her. After all, she felt something must be wrong with her based on the actions of the guy she was currently dating. She was not confident of their status.

She was head over heels for this man. He was charming, charismatic and attractive. He had the drive and energy she had been seeking. Their kisses were passionate, and he never tried to push for more. In her head, she was already married to him with kids; she was that sure he was “the one.”

But there was a slight snag in the situation. He dated her, but not very often. He was a busy man, she said, dating her intermittently and texting at most once a week. Sometimes nearly a month would go by without a message, so she’d send him one. He’d eventually ask her out again, kiss with the same in-depth passion, but then never make plans for a future date.

Head over heels or not, she was on this guy’s back burner. Other things – many other things – were much more important than Mary.

More Important than Mary

Mary knew this wasn’t quite right, but tried to tell herself otherwise. He must be interested if he kissed her so passionately, she said. And he did keep seeing her, however infrequently. So maybe he was just busy. Or it could be his normal style to only contact people every third Wednesday. Or perhaps he was on secret missions for a secret organization and he had to hide out for weeks on end.

However seemingly absurd, any of the situations could maybe be true for the guy she was dating. But what about all the other guys in the past that pulled the same stunt? Yes, Mary confided that other men she dated had acted this way, leading her to believe there was something terribly wrong with her. Wasn’t she interesting enough, or slim enough, or a big enough sports fan or a big enough bra size?

What was she missing that kept men from wanting to date her?

Mary is lovely, smart, feminine, in a successful career and surrounded by a circle of warm and loving friends. But she did have one thing wrong with her, a flaw I run across as an Arizona matchmaker and dating coach all too frequently.

The flaw? Lack of confidence, which leads some women to believe they have to settle for men who disrespect them.

Mary’s lack of confidence was prompting her to allow a man to make her his backup plan. Her self-respect was suffering because she knew was settling for less. She deserved more, a lot more. But she was instead bordering on desperation, a trait guys can smell a mile away.

Relationship-minded men are attracted to confident women. Women who know who they are and love themselves. Not only is confidence good for a relationship, but it’s key for a woman’s enjoyment of life.

How to Fix It

A few strategies can help build up dating confidence in a jiffy, one of which is a simple exercise I suggest for clients who lack dating confidence.

Make a list of all your positive traits. From your sensational smile to your compassionate nature, you have tons of things that make you a wonderful woman and a great catch. Review the list – often. Chances are you have negative thoughts marching through your head every day, and you need to evict those thoughts with a positive replacement.

Next, stop reading all those scary online articles that fill you with gloom and doom about your chances of relationship success. You know the ones. They tell because you’re over 30 or 40 or are divorced, have children or cellulite that you’re fated to live out your days as a cranky old maid.

These articles are not always accurate, the studies are incorrect and, most importantly, you are not a statistic. Studies do not determine your future. You determine it. And I’m sure you’ve met plenty of people, cellulite and all, who have happily defied the statistics.

The final tip is to put your newly developing confidence into action and stop settling for the backburner. If a guy makes it clear that you’re not all that important in his life, don’t be afraid to walk away.

You deserve to be a priority, and you’ll never get the chance to meet a new man who makes you one if you keep hanging around with a dude who only texts you every third Wednesday. Stop clinging to a relationship that isn’t working so you can free up your life for one that does. Keep reading your list, adding new traits and developing that dating confidence and true inner confidence that allows you to date the men you really want – the men that will treat you right.

Click for more Arizona Matchmaker dating advice.

Joann Cohen

The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area

 

Arizona Matchmaker Diva Event

Meet your new BFF at Arizona Matchmaker Diva EventArizona Matchmaker Ladies Night!
OVER 100 RSVPS!!!

Meet Your New BFF
Laughs
Appetizers & Bubbly

Free Swag Bag

Get Your Dating Questions Answered!

This is for ladies only who love to make new friends and have a fabulous time!

Life gets hectic, Friends move away, get into relationships and often single women find themselves wanting more single girlfriends.

Did you miss this event? It was fun and fabulous

Don’t miss the next Arizona Matchmaker event. Click here

 

Is Mystery Man Husband Material?

Dear Arizona Matchmaker:

Reader asks: Is Mystery Man Husband Material?

I’ve been seeing a 42-year-old and I’m 26. I’m pretty independent and educated. My guy asked for my number when he saw me at a public place. We went to the movies on the first date but other dates were at my apartment since he’s a single father and a full-time student. He catered to me, wanted to see me and would talk to me on the phone here and there. Now he only texts me here and there.

He told me he spent a day with his ex-wife and son one time, but it was to shop for his son and that’s why he didn’t text or call. I’m a little upset because he tells me he loves me, I’m unique, that he’s scared he’s falling for me. He asks me how’s work, if I’m OK and all that, here and there.

He was my first intimately so it’s frustrating. Last time he texted me and said he’s frustrated with school and wanted to make love, but I was on my time of month so he said he’ll wait for it to end. I’m getting mixed signals. I’m looking for husband material. He’s saying he doesn’t want to lose me because I’m an amazing woman, but he almost let me go because he’s scared.

What should I do? He doesn’t communicate well.

 

Dear Frustrated:

If you’re looking for husband material, or even a guy that’s out for more than a good time in the sack, you need to look elsewhere. I know it sucks, but it appears this guy has much more going on that being a single father and full-time student, as indicated by a number of red flags:

  • All dates except one have been at your apartment: Appears he wants to keep the relationship hidden from public view, or has good reason (wife, live-in girlfriend, harem?) that you can never visit his house.
  • Only texts you “here and there:” He apparently has to sneak in quick text messages whenever no one else is looking, another indication he has another gal or life going on.
  • Didn’t come by when the monthly cycle hit: Indicates he’s not interested in you, only in having sex with you.
  • His actions don’t match his words: This is a biggie that should never be ignored, especially when it comes to potential husband material. It’s also a prime indication of someone who is probably playing a game. Flip the tables and make him the loser by breaking it off now.

Husband material should be someone who is honest, open and truthful – all things this guy apparently is not. If he says he loves you, and then disappears for days on end, I’d hate to see what he acts like when he doesn’t love someone. That stuff about being “scared” of falling in love? I’ve seen much better baloney at the deli.

Yeah, I know it can be tough to face since it’s your first intimate relationship, but don’t think you’re alone with the first-time blues. I’ve heard other stories of first intimate relations that were, shall we say, less than perfect. Make that downright dreadful. Appears the first time can sometimes be the worst time, but that means it can only get better from here.

Cut him loose. Cut your losses. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. As I’ve said in all my Arizona matchmaker blogs, if this guy wanted to be with you, he would. Please don’t waste any more time and energy on this shady fellow. There are too many good guys waiting to be found. They’re out there!

Joann Cohen

The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area

Dating Sucks

Arizona Matchmaker Dating Sucks

Dating sucks! Yeah, that’s one of the top mantras I hear from many male matchmaking clients as well as single women I’m interviewing. And I hear ya. Dating can have tons of sucky points, ranging from folks who don’t even resemble their online profiles to others who promise to call for a second date and then seem to disappear down a manhole.

The whole process can start to feel like a job. Answering online dating emails. Scheduling a meeting. Getting decked out and paying for a meal – for someone who ends up showing no interest or sometimes doesn’t even say thank you.

So what do you do when a job sucks? Two things: take a vacation and then get a new job. You can apply those same fixes to your dating life.

Take a vacation.

You may be suffering from an acute case of dating burnout and simply need a break. Dating burnout hits gads of singles that jump into the dating scene with enthusiasm but end up exhausted and disheartened after a string of bad dates or short-lived relationships.

Signs of dating burnout include:

  • Being overly critical. If you find yourself making up all kinds of reasons why someone is not right for you – sometimes before you even meet him or her – you’re ensuring all dates go nowhere.
  • Being overly cautious. You show up for your first date armed with questions to weed out the same type of riffraff you’ve run across in your dating history. Not to be rude, but can I see your paystub to ensure you have a job? Exactly why did your past relationship end? If you had to pick between me and your dog, who would you choose?
  • Being overly bored. If you find yourself in the middle of a date but fantasizing about being home streaming episodes of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s definitely time for a breather. This counts triple if you happen to be a guy.

Yes, it’s OK to take a break from all the dating chaos. Take your profile down, say no to blind dates. You can even put your friendly Arizona matchmaker on hold (I promise not to take it personally).

Some fear if they take a break they’ll never date again. You will. Streaming episodes of Real Housewives can only go so far. Mark your calendar for the day you’ll reenter the dating scene.

It can be a few weeks or months down the line, time enough to get dating out of your mind so you can recharge and enjoy your life. You’re allowed to extend your vacation when the end date rolls around, or you can reenter the dating scene with renewed positive energy.

Get a new job.

Since your old way of dating made it suck, start out with a new way of doing things. This new “job” includes tactics like:

  • Lowering your expectations. Don’t expect every date, or even any date, to magically be “the one” the first moment you see the person. That stuff happens a lot in fairytales but rarely in real life. It may take some time to get to know a person before you realize he or she is ideal for you, as has been the case with some of my matchmaking clients who ended up married. Some even started out thinking that the person was definitely not right for them, but time told a different story.
  • Shedding the “type” that hasn’t been right. Perhaps you’re drawn to and seem to attract the bad boys or the big-busted blonds or any certain type that consistently ends in disaster. The problem is not with the type; it’s with you. Figure out why these types keep popping up on your radar, and then make the changes needed to take your dating life on a whole new path.
  • Knowing dating is a numbers game. You’re not going to be a match with or even interested in every single person you meet. You’d have better odds of hitting the jackpot on any given slot machine.

Dating may still be a job, but it doesn’t have to be a sucky job. You can work hard and still have fun. Sure, you’ll run across failed interviews in the form of awful dates and may even find the dream job that goes to someone else.

But you don’t give up because you want that new job so bad you can taste it. Finding your life mate is the same. It’s going to take effort and positive attitude but the rewards can definitely be worth it.

Where to Meet Singles?

Joann Cohen

The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area

Where to Take a Woman on the First Date

Dinner and a movie have long been the traditional first date activities, but that doesn’t mean they’re the best ones. You can’t really chat and get to know each other during the movie. And if you don’t have any chemistry with the woman, dinner can be a very long haul indeed. So where to take a woman on the first date?

When my male matchmaking clients ask me about an ideal first date, I typically suggest drinks and appetizers instead. It’s shorter than dinner and makes more of an impact than coffee. Besides, if the date is going sour, you can always claim you forgot you’re allergic to shellfish and duck out before the waiter brings over the shrimp cocktails.

Seriously, though, any of you guys who stress out over date ideas need to know you’re not alone. A lot of guys rack their brains wondering where to take the woman for most amazing first date she’s ever known. Here’s where I tend to share a few rules for planning an ideal first date:

1. A perfect first date is not a one-size-fits-all deal. You want to pick something you like to do and that you think she’ll like, too. That means if you hate museums, don’t pick an art museum. Go for something you’ll both enjoy.
2. An isolated location is usually not the best bet for a first date. Especially if you don’t know each other well. It can be awkward as well as creepy. Skip heading to each other’s house for a meal or movie if your date’s not crazy about your selected date activity.
3. Activity dates rock. These are dates where you’re doing something besides trying to keep a conversation going over dinner. Activity dates let you burn off nervous energy, talk and get to know each other, and share easy conversation based on the location or activity.

Get more first date tips  Surprising Tips for A Great First Date

As an added bonus for guys who may still be scratching their heads, I’ve compiled a list of possible first date ideas I’ve amassed over my years as an Arizona Matchmaker and Dating Coach. Not all of these ideas are going to appeal to everyone, so keep the first rule in mind: pick something you know you’d enjoy that is likely to likewise interest your date.

First Date Ideas

Outdoor movies. Unlike indoor flicks, here you can talk, have a picnic or lie back and look at the stars if the movie really stinks.
Art walk. This can sate her desire for art without forcing you into the bowels of a stuffy museum. Hmm…can you really live with a woman who wants that on her wall?
Wine tasting. A bit of vino, a lot of ambiance and a ton of Phoenix-area wine tasting events from which to choose.
Art museum. Don’t think museums are stuffy? Then by all means, go gaze at (and discuss) some famous paintings!
Comedy club. Laughter reduces stress hormones, a prime way to alleviate those first-date jitters.
Amusement park, especially the rides. If you thought laughter alone reduced stress hormones, just wait until you see what happens when you mix laughter with swirling teacups or a swooshing pirate ship.
Double dog walk. This one only works, of course, if you both happen to have dogs. Your pooches will give you plenty to talk about, and you’ll get to check if your own dog approves of her.
Picnic. Picnics are always sweet, often bringing back fond memories of childhood. The relaxed atmosphere helps you both let your guard down.
Botanical garden. Flowers. Bushes. Bumblebees. Can’t ask for a better first date setting than that!
Apple picking. Like picnics, apple picking can bring out the kids in you. You’ll also get to go home with edible souvenirs.
Brewery tour. Say “cheers” to the incredible craft beer scene around Phoenix, with new ones popping up all the time.
Aquarium. Swift stingrays. Outrageous octopus. Stunning sharks. Bet you’ll both have plenty to say about the amazing creatures swishing around the Sea Life Arizona aquarium.
Street fair or festival. Loads of vendors and fanfare to fuel the conversation. You’ll also get to spot check if she’s open to eating food from a truck.
Sporting events. Baseball, football, basketball. If you and your date are sports fans, this one is a homerun.
Outdoor concert. Cool music. Energetic atmosphere. And plenty of people-watching to spark conversation.

No matter where you decide to go on your first date, just remember one thing. The most important aspect is not what you do, but who you’re with. And if you like each other and are enjoying each other’s company, the location or activity isn’t going to matter at all.

Look for my next blog – Arizona Matchmaker’s Second Date Made Easy.

Are You Blocking Out Your Dream Guy?

Blocking Your Dream Guy?

If you’re like many women looking for love, you already know who you’ll find it with. You have your dream guy set in your mind, no ifs, ands or buts. You know your Mr. Right. Nobody else will do.

As an Arizona matchmaker, women have come to me with ginormous lists of requirements that must apply to any potential match. The man must:

Be at least 6-feet tall
Love ballet
Exercise regularly but not too much
Play golf, or never play golf
Text, or never text
Have dark hair, blue eyes
Be super-successful but not work too many hours
Live in Scottsdale, or in Phoenix, or at least within 5 miles of their hometown

An 80-year-old once told me her potential partner had to have a full head of hair. Yes, she really meant it.

Like these women, you’re likely to have your own list of carefully selected traits. You may have even created a Vision Board of your mate, sending thoughts of your tall, handsome, dark-haired, golf-playing dream guy out into the universe.

But the universe has yet to deliver.

You go on a few dates anyway, with each and every man you meet adding more restrictions to your list. Sure, one guy had dark hair – but it also sprouted all over his back. Another guy played golf – but he also played around in monster trucks. A third man, like you, was a big fan of ballet. But he also had a bad habit of cracking his knuckles.

You add new entries to your dream-guy list. Must not have back hair. Must not like monster trucks. Must not crack knuckles.

The Interview Date

When you meet someone new and go on a date, you ask all kinds of questions directly from your list. If the guy’s responses don’t fit your list – you’re done. After all, you don’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t match up with everything you require.

This is called the interview date. You’re essentially evaluating your “candidate for life partner,” and none of the guys have so far been someone you’d consider hiring.

And when many women do find a guy that meets all the criteria, they’re usually not attracted to him. He’s just not funny, or she doesn’t feel the chemistry, or perhaps he doesn’t meet a new item that just popped up on her ever-growing list. Such a list of requirements guarantees failure of finding love.

Dating from the Heart

It’s time to start dating from the heart. Instead of evaluating how a man matches your list’s criteria, focus on how that man makes you feel. Forget the list and listen to your heart. Having an open heart, being vulnerable, is the only way to find true love.

Sure, being vulnerable can be scary. That’s why women create lists in the first place. Lists protect you from falling in love, since no one will ever measure up. Lists serve as the great barrier between you and any man you meet.

Guys can sense when women are closed off.

As an Arizona Matchmaker, I’ve seen so many absolutely beautiful women stay single because guys are just not willing to climb over castle walls to get to her heart. Love is about much more than looks, and the man will instead seek out a woman with an open heart who is welcoming to him – not blocking him.

After a first date, a woman wasn’t sure about my client I set her up with. She said “Joann, he has so many qualities that I want and that are so hard to fine. He’s easy to talk to but I’m not sure if the physical chemistry is there.” She was open to finding out more and dated him again. And things changed – fast. Within a few short weeks she was quite the happy lady. Yes, the physical chemistry developed (actually exploded in fireworks!) and they are now a committed couple.

Men are attracted to women who love life, love their lives and the people around them, and love with an open heart. It’s tough to have an open heart when you have a list the size of the Grand Canyon around it. We fall in love because of how a person makes us feel – not his dating resume. If you must have a list, limit it to the absolute deal-breakers.

Use the same Matchmaker tool I used with a woman who reluctantly dated my client who didn’t meet all her criteria, including being shorter than her 6-foot minimum (they’ve been married for months now). If a guy made you laugh and you felt safe with him, would it honestly matter that he didn’t do this or didn’t have that or occasionally hung out around monster trucks?

Most women tell me what I already know – it wouldn’t matter. All that matters is the connection. And a connection can only be made if your heart is open enough for your dream guy to come through.

And it only takes one – the right one.

Joann Cohen

The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area

Wondering where to meet Mr. Right? Discover A few easy tips