Let’s imagine you’ve been seeing a guy for a few months. You’re falling head-over-heels, but he hasn’t made it quite clear where you stand. So, naturally your mind begins to race: Where is this going? Is there a reason why he won’t commit?
We’ve all been in relationship limbo, and it’s not a fun place to be. The truth is there are many reasons a man won’t commit, and most of those reasons he will never admit. “I’m just focused on my career right now” and “You’re great, but I can’t be the man you deserve” are among the most popular excuses.
Now, let’s cut through the nonsense and get to the five real reasons of why he won’t commit to you. Some of these reasons you may already know, but a few may surprise you.
You have an incredible connection. He seems perfect for you in so many ways…BUT he’s at an age where he isn’t ready to settle down. Or he’s moving across the country. For whatever the reason, the timing isn’t right.
I know the hopeless romantics reading this are saying to themselves, “But love conquers all!” or “where there’s a will, there’s a way!” and to some extent this may be true, but most men are wired differently than women.
Women value relationships. As women, we are naturally nurturing creatures. Above all else, connecting with others makes us happy. This isn’t to say women aren’t career-driven (we most certainly are!), but often women put friendships and relationships above their careers on their list of priorities.
Men, on the other hand, need to feel like they are winning in the world. Usually the men who are natural providers and protectors, feel good when they have a successful career and are making enough money to support themselves.
Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, conducted a study with 400 males. Results showed 74% of men would prefer feeling alone and unloved compared to feeling disrespected and inadequate.
For most men, their confidence is closely tied to their professional success and ability to provide for the people they love. If he isn’t where he wants to be in terms of his career or financial status, entering into a committed relationship is probably the last thing on his mind.
He’s unsure about pursuing a relationship with you
I know this is hard to hear, but it’s true.
He may enjoy spending time with you and having sex with you, but he is having doubts in terms of long-term potential.
Sadly, in this case, some men will be keep seeing you until they meet the woman they want to commit to.
Of course, he won’t tell you the real reason why he won’t commit, leading to endless overanalyzing, second-guessing and more sleepless nights than you can count. Does he go days without speaking to you and then act like nothing happened? Is his schedule always unpredictable? Make sure to pay attention to the red flags.
His role models are bachelors
This is the guy when you’re watching Mad Men together and he says, “Don Draper is THE MAN.” In other words, he admires how women fall at Don’s feet and being able to juggle multiple ladies deserves a round of applause (sigh). Needless to say, some men take longer to mature than others, and in this case, it’s probably wise to cut your losses and look for someone who is more on the same page and shares similar relationships goals.
Are all of his friends single?
If he’s surrounded by bar-hopping Casanovas chances are he is living the same lifestyle and that’s the real reason why he won’t commit.
Today’s hookup culture is vastly changing the dating landscape – especially when it comes to the motivation to commit.
Researchers from Saint Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia explored whether relationship status affects sexual satisfaction, and compared people in the following categories: friends with benefits, casually dating, exclusively dating, engaged and married. Interestingly, results showed similar levels of satisfaction across all five groups.
In other words, many men aren’t committing because they are getting all their needs met without being in a relationship.
He has other priorities
One of the main reasons a man may be afraid to commit is because he thinks a relationship will prevent him from achieving his life goals. In terms of priorities, finding love is low on the list – at least at this point in time. Studies show people who dedicate their energy to multiple projects are less committed to their romantic lives.
For instance, he could be finishing a Master’s degree and working full-time. After a long day at work, he goes to night class and all his free time is spent studying and managing his course load. This is where he needs to focus the majority of his attention, and while a relationship would be nice, he views it as a luxury he just can’t afford right now.
If you’re dating a man whose career is more important than his love life, It’s likely he won’t commit.
Then it’s in your best interest to walk away. Don’t fall into the “someday” trap. Someday he will be ready. Someday he will be who I want him to be. Someday he will make a great boyfriend. Start seeing the man in your life for who he truly is, and not the man you want him to be.
It pains me to see so many of my clients fall into this trap. They say, “But he has so many great qualities! We have so much fun when we’re together!”
Okay, but what about when you’re not together? How does it feel? Not too great, I’m guessing. It will always be an uphill battle with Mr. Too Busy to Make Time.
The problem is they are focusing on the connection they share, rather than the amount he is actually investing. You can have an amazing connection, but it doesn’t matter if this man isn’t putting the time and energy into making it work.
And this brings me to my next point…
You don’t respect yourself
Yes, you heard right ladies. This one is entirely on you.
From a male perspective, nothing is sexier than a woman having standards and being able to stick to them. Of course, this is nothing he will directly come out and tell you – it’s something you must intuitively know. On some level, he understands that if he messes up you are strong enough to walk away from him. You know your worth and won’t settle for bad behavior.
For example, if he keeps making plans with you at the last minute and you keep saying yes, he won’t be motivated to step up his game. He will continue to see you on his terms and at his convenience.
He knows he doesn’t have to commit to keep you around.
He may be giving you the bare minimum, but you are still giving him everything he wants. In this case, it’s very clear why he won’t commit. You say you want exclusivity, but are your actions truly reflecting that mentality? The bottom line: if you don’t take yourself seriously, how can you expect anyone else to?
Also, stop with the games. Manipulation will get you nowhere.
This means always waiting for him to text you first. If he waits two hours to respond to your text, then you wait three. What does his text mean? Oh no, he didn’t end with a kiss face. Is he mad? So anxious about doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing…jeez. I’m emotionally exhausted just writing this.
And make no mistake ladies, men are aware when you are playing games. The irony is that by waiting to answer his text, you are doing the very thing you are trying to avoid: acting needy or insecure. Men know when you are playing some sort of waiting game and this is as much of a turn off for them, as it is for you.
It’s very simple. If you see a text from a guy a minute later, answer it. If you see it an hour later, answer it then. But you know when someone is being manipulative with this, and if you sense that RUN. Not a good sign. And not worth your precious mental energy, trust me.
It’s a fact: no amount of psycho-strategizing will land you the guy. Trust me, it really gets you nowhere. And I mean absolutely nowhere. The truth always comes out. You’re better off being authentic from the get-go.
Let’s face it: The reason why he won’t commit doesn’t matter. It is what it is. He isn’t stepping up. If a man isn’t giving you what you want, on to the next one!
Most importantly, know your worth and believe that by walking away from the wrong guy, you are creating space for the right guy to come in.
If you’re looking to meet the right man who is ready for a forever relationship – contact me. My Phoenix Matchmaking is always free for women.