As a Scottsdale matchmaker, I hear stories all the time from women who tell me, “I met this great gu9y. He was always attentive, showed so much interest, and told me how much he loved me. But now he’s gone. What happened?” The scenario when he comes on strong and then breaks up with you is becoming increasingly common in today’s dating culture.
Of course, it’s a great feeling when a guy is into you. Nothing compares to that rush of excitement and the novelty that comes with a new love interest. He tells you how amazing you are and goes above and beyond to make you feel special. You let yourself get swept away by fantasy and the thrill of what could come from this relationship.
The problem is that many women lose themselves in these whirlwind romances, stopping their lives and make this guy their number one priority even when he hasn’t earned his place in her life yet. Just when she thinks they’ve made a real connection, he bolts. She’s left feeling used and emotionally shattered because she invested so much time and energy into this guy.
The good news is you can spot this man a mile away. So, the next time you’re in a situation when the guy is coming in hot, you’ll be prepared. The warning signs are obvious:
Look Out for These 5 Red Flags
1. Texts Constantly Throughout the Day
You met him yesterday and he’s already sending you the “Good morning beautiful” text. This nonstop texting phase often precedes the sex. This guy has an agenda and knows what it takes to make a woman fall for him.
After a few weeks or months of seeing each other, he may start texting you that he can’t wait to take you home for the holidays to meet his family. He tells you you’re the one.
2. Overly Intimate and Emotional
He will send you messages like “I miss you” and “thinking of you” during the day. What? I met him last week.
That’s your intuition telling you something is off. Don’t ignore it.
3. Tells You Intimate Details About His life Early On
What makes these men confusing is the fact that they tend to open up emotionally, which deepens the emotional bond. This makes the woman think he really wants a relationship because he’s told her intimate details about his personal life. However, he’s also told intimate details to other women.
4. Keeps tabs on you
At first, this behavior may seem thoughtful, but in reality, it’s controlling. Needing to know where you are all the time isn’t sweet, it’s scary! And make no mistake, this is not a sign he cares. It’s a sign he’s insecure and not ready for a relationship.
5. Pressures You to Have Sex Immediately
Chances are this was his main objective from the beginning. He rushes through the courtship phase hoping to get you into the bedroom as soon as possible. If he feels like he isn’t able to seal the deal without a commitment, then chances are he will move on, and move on fast.
He’s telling her what she wants to hear. He sees a life with her, she’s the one, and he’s never felt this way. This is one of the techniques he uses to get her into bed.
The sad truth is many women will sleep with this guy because they falsely believe he’s into them. This makes it that much more painful when he acts interested and suddenly breaks up with you.
5 Steps to Put the Brakes On
It’s time to take your power back. When a guy is coming on too strong, here are five steps you can take:
1. Start Setting the Pace.
Even if he’s been in the driver’s seat from the beginning, it’s up to you to slow it down.
For example, if he wants to sleep with you but you don’t feel ready, be honest with him. You can say, “You know I’m attracted to you, but that’s not really my speed.” This lets him know you’re interested, but you want to have sex when you feel ready.
Setting the pace also applies to texting. If he is constantly blowing up your phone, you can let him know you’re busy and you’ll text him later.
If he’s a good guy, he will respect your boundaries and continue on the pace you’re comfortable with.
2. Make More Time for Your Friends
If you’ve been neglecting your friendships, start filling your schedule with more friend time. Your friends are the ones who have been there for you through life’s ups and downs. Having close friends is a gift, and like any relationship, it’s important to invest time and energy to keep the connection strong.
Plus, the right guy will want you to have a life outside of him and the relationship.
3. Focus on the Present
When he starts talking about the future and making all of these romantic plans, switch gears and discuss what he wants to do this weekend.
As time passes and trust is established, you can make plans for the future. But in the early stages of dating, it’s best to be in the moment, keep it light and have fun.
4. Try to Connect With Him on an Emotional Level
If this guy is only in it for the short-term benefits, he won’t be interested in building an emotional connection. Ask him questions to try to get him to open up, and based on his answers, you’ll get a good sense of where you stand.
Have you ever heard of the 36 questions that can make two strangers fall in love? There are questions you can ask someone that are scientifically-proven to spark attraction and emotional bonding.
Here are Three of the Questions:
1. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
2. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
3. What is your most treasured memory?
5. Be Honest
Honesty is always the best policy. With an emotionally healthy man, you can express yourself and your concerns. If he is into you, he will have no problem working through it and making sure you two are on the same page.
If he has a hidden agenda or is a codependent, controlling guy, there won’t be much you can do to get through to him – except maybe recommend a good therapist.
When he comes on strong and then breaks up with you, the warning signs are easy to spot. Unfortunately, many women often miss them and then it’s too late.
While falling in love and chemistry can happen quickly, there is a major difference between the guy who is excited about getting to know you and the guy who is a player.
A man who is falling in love with a woman is attuned to her emotions, wants and needs. When he is interested in connecting with you, he will pay attention to the details and if he senses he did something to upset you, he will check in and attempt to rectify the situation.
However, if he’s coming in too hot, then rest assured that he’s only interested in getting his needs met and doesn’t have plans of investing in you for the long-term.
To become emotionally invested in another person takes time and effort. It comes after many shared experiences, deep conversations and connected moments together. A man who isn’t emotionally invested can leave at any moment. Whether you met him last month or last year, men who aren’t emotionally invested can easily walk away.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, the best course of action is to slow things down. This will not only make you feel better and more in control, it will also reveal his true intentions.
Taking time apart and creating space allows the woman to evaluate the man. Do his actions match his words? Are there deal breakers?
For example, a man can say he wants kids but after dating the woman for a while, he confessed he really didn’t. At this point she’s in too deep and too emotionally invested.
Your job is to stop his advances to determine how much he does care about you and your feelings. Also, by texting and seeing each other less, and pressing pause on the physical intimacy so you can come back to center.
Here’s the bottom line: If he’s in it for the wrong reasons, you will feel a disconnect between the amount of attraction and attention, and the emotional connection you share.
After slowing things down one of two things will happen:
- He will come along for the ride and start to like you for you. He will realize he genuinely enjoys spending time with you and the emotional attraction will start to grow.
- He will be frustrated by the slower pace and pull a disappearing act.
If this is the case, be grateful. This isn’t the kind of man you want in your life.
Either way, you’ll have greater clarity of where things are headed and make smarter, and more empowered choices.