What to Do When He’s Not Ready for a Relationship

What to do If he's not ready for a relationshipWalk away! Just kidding. If you’re reading this, it’s safe to assume you like this guy and even though you’ve heard the dreaded, “I’m not ready for a relationship” you want to continue seeing him. Do You Wait? Stop seeing him? Find out what to do when he’s not ready for a for a Relationship.

When a man you really like says he is not ready for a relationship, it’s one of the most painful things you can hear. It’s actually scary how six small words can hold so much emotional power. The second you hear them you feel rejected, disappointed and above all, devastated that your fantasy of a beautiful future together has just been shattered.

Whether it’s bad timing, he has other priorities or he isn’t ready to settle down, he has made it clear that he won’t be making a commitment. But truthfully, the reason is irrelevant. The only question you need to ask yourself is: “So, what am I going to do next?”

First, I’m going to tell you what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to do what most girls do in this scenario and get overly emotional and take things personally. You’re not going to waste your time and energy overanalyzing why he’s not ready for a relationship.

You are, however, going to take the mature, empowered approach. You are going to put your energy into the right places. Here are five steps to increase your chances of developing a relationship with him and getting the commitment you desire.


What to Do if He’s Not Interested in a Relationship

1.  Focus on becoming the best version of yourself

What to do if he's not ready for a Relationship

First and foremost, you need to find happiness outside of a romantic relationship. If you aren’t confident and strong on your own, a relationship will not be able to fill that type of emotional void.

As you’re searching for someone funny, smart, and ambitious, turn the tables. Are you all of those things? Would you want to date yourself? Maybe, just maybe you are the one who is not ready for a relationship.

Create a life that someone would be excited to be part of. What hobbies do you enjoy? What’s something you’re passionate about? Pursue what brings you joy. Take a pottery class (Yes, I know you are thinking about that scene in Ghost as you’re reading this!), join a volleyball league, learn how to salsa – whatever it may be. This will not only make you happier, but a more well-rounded and interesting person.

Nothing is more attractive than when you’re on a date with someone who lights up when they talk about something they’re passionate about.   Be the person who radiates that kind of positive, upbeat energy and you will naturally attract more people into your life.

When you look for love outside of yourself and depend on others to give you joy, you will always be searching. Think of it this way: You want a relationship to be like the cherry on top of the cake. You don’t need it to be happy, but it’s a bonus.

If you go into dating with a desperate and needy mindset, you won’t make healthy, smart decisions and you most certainly won’t attract a high-quality man. To put it simply, you have to bring you’re A-game, ladies.

2. Reach him on a deep level

Ask yourself: What makes you irreplaceable? What unique value are you bringing to the table?

This goes beyond physical chemistry and good sex.

The key is understanding male psychology. Most  men’s happiness is closely tied to their success and ability to provide and protect. As a woman, you need to show him that you believe in him, inspiring him to reach his potential and fulfill his goals.

This means supporting him and showing appreciation, even for the little things. “Thank you” goes a long way when it comes to maintaining a healthy, genuine connection. All of a sudden, the man who was not ready for a relationship, is jumping through hoops to gain your attention and affection.

In my matchmaking -my male clients have told me numberous stories of never getting a thank you from their date. Expensive dinners, luxury vacations – the womand didn’t say thank you. What I’ve discoverd about men, is a little bit of apprecation goes a long way!

In a study published in the journal Personal Relationships, researchers found expressing gratitude is directly linked to relationship satisfaction.

“Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes,” said Allen Barton, lead author of the study.

And what’s even more interesting, “when couples are engaging in a negative conflict pattern like demand/withdrawal, expressions of gratitude and appreciation can counteract or buffer the negative effects of this type of interaction on marital stability,” said Ted Futris, co-author of the study and associate professor in the College of Family and Consumer Sciences.

There you have it – gratitude is the answer to all your relationship problems. Well, most of them anyway.

In terms of a man who is not ready for a relationship, practicing an attitude of gratitude is so important. Why? Because when you show appreciation, you are giving him nothing to rebel against. You accept him for who he is. Nothing is forced, you are not convincing him why you’d make a great partner. You are demonstrating your value through your actions and your mature, confident mindset. If he still doesn’t step up, you can walk away knowing you brought your best self to the table. No regrets.


3. Make him earn it

Isn’t it funny what happens when we decide we like someone? We jump ten steps ahead, committing our time and energy to someone before they’ve fully invested in us. It’s like we’ve handed over our hearts and said, “Here you go. I want you to have this, even though I have no idea what you are going to do with it.”

It’s a basic principle of human psychology. People value what they have to work for, and this applies to dating and relationships.

You must teach him how to treat you. Men respond to action, so you must demonstrate through your actions that he needs to invest and make an effort to earn your love and loyalty.

The sad truth is many women reward the behavior they hate. For example, when a guy withdraws or seems uninterested, they chase after him with the hope of obtaining his attention and approval. This lowers your value in his eyes because you are giving him something he didn’t earn.

In this case, when a guy withdraws the best thing you can do is let him. Give him space and show you are strong on your own. Most importantly, remember to meet him where he is. This means when he invests, you invest. When he takes a step back, you take a step back. Pacing is so important.

What to do if he doesn't want a relationship

4. Be Present

While it’s human nature to dwell on the past and worry about the future, the only moment that matters is here and now.

According to research, the fear of a relationship ending does, in fact, affect attraction and commitment.

Researchers found that “when faced with a ‘too high’ risk of ending the relationship, participants clearly reduced the intensity of their positive feelings towards the romantic partner.”

When nothing was mentioned about the possibility the relationship could end, the participants’ romantic feelings and levels of commitment were more intense. On the flip side, their romantic feelings and desire to commit lessened when they heard that there could be either a high or low risk of a break-up.

In other words, if you spend all of your mental energy worrying, “Where is this going?” “Are we going to break up?” that fear-based, negative energy will seep into your interactions with that person. You won’t even consciously realize it, but essentially, you will be self-sabotaging your chances of developing a healthy, happy relationship.

By focusing too much on the future, you are developing expectations and unconsciously become attached to a fantasy – because the future is a fantasy. The only thing that’s real is the present moment. As Shakespeare wisely said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

Imagine you have been dating someone for four years. You’re head over heels in love, you both are on the same page with marriage and kids, and you believe the future is set in stone. Then, he tells you he has to move for work and isn’t sure he wants a long-distance relationship. In that moment, everything changed.

This isn’t to say we should live our lives being pessimists and expecting the worst to happen. We shouldn’t have any expectations because the truth is we don’t know what the future holds.

When things don’t go the way we planned, our first instincts can be to be angry and disappointed. But sometimes it’s good when you don’t get what you want. At the time, you may not see it that way, but, down the line, that breakup could lead to meeting an incredible man. Then you will be SO grateful that other relationship ended.

The bottom line: Embrace the present moment. Embrace the uncertainty. That’s the beauty of life. If we knew how everything was going to turn out, where’s the fun in that?

And if you do these steps and he’s still not interested in a relationship? End the relationship. Staying with make you anxious and angry.  As a Matchmaker I have heard of many broken hearts because they “were the one”. Usually they find a great relationship and are glad it didn’t work out. 

A healthy relationship can only exist when you learn to enjoy the here and now. Don’t fear the future. Look at it as an exciting journey filled with opportunity and adventure. The world is yours for the taking! Your life is what you make of it.

Joann Cohen

Matchmaking Services for Professionals in Phoenix,
Scottsdale, and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area.



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