This is a dreaded question. A loaded question. And “Why Are You Still Single?” a particularly uncomfortable question for men and women once they get into their 30s. That’s because we interpret the question “Why are you still Single?” not as a simple inquiry into our tax-filing status, but a full-frontal attack that’s really asking:
“WTF is wrong with you?”
Yep, society has set it up that being single is perceived as being a freak, rather than a making a voluntary choice about how you want to live your life. After all, no one in their right mind would actually choose to be single, especially in their 40s! You must be too picky. Too strange. Too horrible in bed. Too volatile. Too high-maintenance. Have way too many cats.
When you’re next slapped with the question on a date or party, you have a few different ways to respond:
- You can hurl your drink, storm out of the room or otherwise avoid answering.
- You can get snarky and retort, “Well, you’re single, too – what’s wrong with you?”
- You can come up with some half-assed witty response, like “I hate doing other people’s laundry,” “Just lucky,” or “It’s better than being married and divorced.”
- You can frame the whole thing in a positive and healthy way that makes life so much better and more fun.
Let’s do the latter.
The Positive, Healthy Framework
Before you even open your mouth to respond, you have to be OK with you. Where you are, your single status and that you’ve made the best choices for yourself based on what you knew.
If you think being single sucks, don’t respond just yet. Take a step back and assess all the awesome things that come with it. Like the absolute freedom. You can sleep as late as you want, spend your money how you want, focus all your attention on your career, dogs or cats, fly off to Paris on a whim – you get the picture.
You are not a desperate loser who can’t land a relationship. When you choose to change your status and take the right actions, you’ll be in a healthy relationship.
Your next step is to ensure your manner and tone is confident. If you’re hesitant, defensive or wimpy, the person will automatically take it as the confirmation he or she was seeking: there is definitely something wrong with you!
Still not sure you appear confident? Practice in front of a mirror. Say it and say it until you’re feeling it, until you can sing it in a triumphant chorus! OK, that’s going a bit over the top. But you do want to practice until you know you can respond strongly and surely the next time you’re asked Why Are You Still Single?
You want to feel good and exude positive energy before you open your mouth to respond. You want to answer in a way that shows you feel good about your life, your choices and where you’re going. The person listening to your response will take your lead. That’s the way the human mind works.
Heck, even if you have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about in any given situation, most people will believe you as long as you talk about it confidently.
The Positive, Healthy Response
And now for the big guns: The actual words you’re going to say to match up with that strong, confident and I-know-I-rock tone when responding to the question.
If you’re reading my Arizona matchmaker blogs, we already know you’re looking to meet the right one. So while you may have been OK with being single in the past, you now want to change your status. Your response will thus be positive about your status and equally positive that it’s going to change. Here you can try:
• I want to do it right the first time.
• I’ve been busy with my career and kids, but now is the right time for a relationship.
• I want to stay single until I meet the right one. I haven’t been in a rush.
• Being single has been great. But now it’s time to have a great guy/woman in my life.
Then smoothly change the subject and ask a positive question about the other person. Remember, if you want the person asking the question to be OK with your status, you have to be OK with it first. Get that confident mindset. Give an honest short answer. And stop dreading the formerly dreaded question.
Not Dreadful at All
Another reason the question should not be dreaded is because it can help point you in the right direction. As an Arizona matchmaker, I’ve encountered quite a few men over 40 who have never been married – and ended up helping them get matched AND wed. That means asking the question or answering the question can be a tool to help you discover other singles like yourself, provided you’re open to those who have never gotten married. More Dating Tips
And you should be, now that you know they’re certainly not freakish. They just chose a way of life that they now may be looking to change.
P.S. If you are single and don’t know why you aren’t finding a forever relationship – get the answer, fast. Work with me and we’ll uncover the hidden and not-so-hidden reasons you aren’t in the relationship you really want.
Joann Cohen
The Phoenix Matchmaker for Phoenix Singles
Scottsdale Singles and Singles everywhere in the Phoenix Area
