So, you’ve met this incredible guy. He’s cute, fun and interesting. And he seems to be interested in you. You meet for coffee and that next weekend he asks you out to dinner. You go out to a movie the following weekend and before you know it you’re back at his place. One thing leads to another, and another, and you leave the next morning.
Here’s the million dollar question: Are you in a relationship? (click here to find out if you’re dating or hanging out) Well, don’t start choosing colors for a spring wedding. Just because you feel like you’ve really bonded, like he’s the man of your dreams, one or two dates still do not equal a relationship. If you understand a few things now, you are less likely to feel betrayed later. You’re also more likely to end up in the relationship you want – with the right man for you. These pointers can help you define the situation and avoid being one of those women who turn men off: pacing.
You can’t really know someone in a few dates. Dating is designed to learn about each other. A strong mutual attraction is wonderful. Infatuation is an amazing feeling. But don’t confuse those magic moments with a long-term commitment. Of course you want to end up with a man who still holds your hand in the frozen food aisle ten years from now. But you don’t know if he’s that man… yet.
Sex doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship. If a man sleeps with you, that doesn’t mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you. It just means he slept with you. There are many reasons for a man to make that decision, ranging from he’ll sleep with anyone given the chance or he was in the mood and you were there or, just maybe, he sees a possible future with you. No assumptions. This is reality speaking here. If this makes you uncomfortable, then decide not to sleep with anyone until you are in a committed relationship.
Focus on the present. When you finally meet a great guy, it’s easy to imagine a future with him. Go ahead and do this to some extent – when you’re home alone it may be fun to fantasize about possibilities. Don’t, however, focus so much on the story as it will be that you aren’t present for the story as it is unfolding right now. And don’t share those dream stories with him too soon.
Too much information. You don’t want to be like those previews that show every funny or action-packed moment in a film, making the actual movie one big disappointment. Yes, share your thoughts on the movie you saw or the upcoming holiday. But showing him the tattoo on your hip you got when drunk on a trip to Mexico when you were 22 or sharing your feelings on dating, marriage or anything else relationship-intensive might work better once you’ve known each other for a while. The key is to not overwhelm him too soon. This can really turn off men.
Be yourself. This may seem in direct conflict with the point above, but it isn’t. If you like pizza and hate sushi, tell him rather than cringe as you swallow down that raw yellowtail. If your idea of roughing it involves a hotel without 24-hour room service, don’t sound enthusiastic when he mentions winter camping. If classical music is physically painful for you, let him know before he springs for symphony tickets. There’s a classic story of a couple that lived together for a year before getting married, and they both always slept in the nude. On the honeymoon the husband wore pajamas. When his wife questioned him it turned out that he preferred to sleep in PJs and he wasn’t willing to spend the rest of his life without them. This is a small thing, but don’t turn yourself inside out to become the right person for someone who is wrong for you.
Take your time. Yes, relationships grow and mature, but this is supposed to be a gradual process. When you start making huge changes to the nature of the relationship, men want out. This is actually the same idea behind the myth of men being scared of commitment. It’s not that men are scared or don’t want these things, but when women come on too strong men feel used and cheap. They begin to feel like you just want a relationship rather than a relationship with them. The same holds true for marriage. When things progress along smoothly, men love it and have no objections. When you immediately fast-forward a relationship, men pull back and feel that you may not be the right person after all.
Don’t scare him away. Sometimes we women are ready to jump into things too quickly. For most of us we have known what we wanted since we were little. We want a family, house, babies, a dog, and so on and so forth. We have had that dream in our heads for years so the temptation is to share it all with a guy we think might be Mr. Right. But…
Eventually you will want to start talking about your hopes and dreams and how you envision marriage and life to see if the two of you are compatible. But the first date, or even the first few dates, is not the place to do this. Men get turned off if you seem too anxious to get married and have children. You don’t really know them and they don’t really know you, and they need to trust you and feel you out some too before you get carried away designing the rest of your life together. This can be particularly true if the guy is a real gem rather than just one more cactus in that dating desert of jerks and bores. It may be tempting to press for commitment; just stop yourself.
Now that you have learned How Women Turn Men Off: Pacing, what do you do?
Want to avoid the disappearing man? Here are final tips.
• Be present and enjoy every date for what it is.
• Don’t project into the future.
• Lower your expectations that every date is going to be the “one.”
• Date a few men at a time until you are ready to choose one for a relationship.
• Don’t sleep with a man until you’re ready.
• Be straightforward in your communication.
• Date men who are emotionally available.
Click here to get the latest Phoenix Matchmaker dating advice for women like this blog How Women Turn Men Off: Pacing